In case you missed them, here are the 21 fictitious, but nonetheless awesome products we hosted auctions for today on QuiBids! All are valued at a $500,000 Buy Now price, but hey — shipping’s free! How many of the six we teased you with last week did you guess correctly?
Today only — All of these special auctions are free to bid and the winner will receive a 1X Gameplay! vine.co/v/bIr7HXeVBTw
— QuiBids (@QuiBids) April 1, 2013
Description: Just think what you could do with all this free Internet access! Perhaps join an America Online chat room or wait on your dial-up connection to stop whirring and buzzing so violently that you fear your computer might combust.
Unfortunately this 500 Free Hours disc only supports your time online, and not your Wifi access or the amount of money you spend bidding on QuiBids, so maybe this isn’t exactly a super-desirable prize. Why don’t we just agree to bid on it for nostalgia’s sake, eh? The same reason we read Buzzfeed listicles or occasionally break out the ol’ Gameboy and fire up Pokemon Blue, am I right?
Description: We —and by “we” I literally mean “we, the entire population of planet Earth and even the few humans out there chilling on the International Space Station right now— had a couple of close shaves with asteroids pretty recently, but there was a silver lining in that hulking luminous body that’s charging through space. And that’s that we got to try out our painstakingly developed and recently patented Huge Asteroid Saddle, which means the next asteroid that shoots between Earth and our moon’s orbit is primed for riding. Can I get a “Yee-haw!”?
Description: Ever wanted to own your own body of water so vast that it keeps like four whole continents from crashing into each other? Well now’s your chance since we’ve acquired the rights to offer the entire Atlantic Ocean (even the really deep parts!) up for bidding on the site. A few things you’ll never run out of if you win this auction:
What you do with all that stuff is of course, up to you. Barnacles don’t make for nearly as good dining as squid, but I’m sure you could use them to decorate one heck of a fish tank.
Description: Remember when everybody’s favorite friendly alien surprised baby Drew Barrymore and tried to phone home? Our favorite part of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial gave Elliott a supernatural boost over the cops trying to catch them, sending both boy and space-travelling immigrant floating off into the wild blue.
Well ol’ E.T. phoned us up a few weeks ago —he’s a big fan of QuiBids auctions, you see— and told us he was going to send a couple dozen empty baskets that he’d sat in that’d gift our bikes with the same abilities as Elliott’s.
Description: Godzilla got your down? Our new dinosaur repellent provides effective 6+ hour protection against the toughest building-sized reptiles that could potentially disrupt your busy life. Imagine being stuck in traffic and out of nowhere a T-Rex decides to reach through your sunroof and grab your morning coffee, totally disrupting your routine.
Our studies show that being surrounded by dinosaurs will greatly hurt your chances at making friends, getting a job, or even finding your soulmate. We’re here to keep your life on the right track, and not a dinosaur’s esophageal tract. Don’t be a dino-bore, and get our Dinosaur repellent before it’s too late.
Description: Who says you only get one wish after blowing out the candles on your birthday cake this year! With this Extra Birthday Wish, that means you’ll receive two wishes* this year! Make this year’s birthday the most memorable. Only at QuiBids can you get an Extra Birthday Wish and for an amazing deal!
Description: Man, that Forrest Gump sure saw a lot of really important stuff in American history, didn’t he? It’s like he was just everywhere for everything, from Vietnam to Watergate. We’re not gonna say it was all because of his sweet pair of Nikes but I mean c’mon, it was because of his sweet pair of Nikes. You can buy imitation ones elsewhere on the internet but here at QuiBids we’re offering the actual legitimate pair of Nikes that the actual legitimate Forrest Gump wore on his run across this big ol’ country.
Description: You ain’t never had a friend like a Genie without a bottle! And we want you to have that kind of comrade. The full extent of this Genie’s power is unknown but don’t underestimate him. Just because he doesn’t come with a bottle, doesn’t mean his powers are limited.
Description: Are you fascinated with humans? Do you want to explore their behaviors in a more controlled habitat? Then bid on one of this revolutionary Human Ant Farm!
Watch the world’s smartest creatures dig tunnels, build roads and erect bridges. See them plan and construct tunnel highways and subways – moving mountains right before your eyes! It’s amazing to peek into the world of humans living like ants. What was once only a luxury for brutal dictators and war lords, can now be yours. This product is bound to be popular, so if you have bids in your account and no moral compass, then this product is for you!
Description: Sure, most people are here on QuiBids to win stuff at low prices. But they too often forget how great the simple act of competing with other customers is! It’s fun and hooks you in in a way that other auction sites don’t. So why not exercise your bidding finger and click that Bid button a couple of times, eh? It’ll bring that satisfying feeling of spending something without actually spending anything!
11. Magic Beans
Description: Grow your very own beanstalk! But take it from Jack, this isn’t an easy crop to manage. Rumor has it, it could open a gateway between the world of humans and giants. Bid and win this auction at your own risk.
Who knows, you might even get to star in your own Giant Slayer movie.
12. Orion’s Belt
Description: Ah yes, Orion’s Belt. One of the sky’s most beautiful and stunning constellations. Yeah, we’re not auctioning that off. This is actually just a belt once worn by a guy who worked here at QuiBids named Dave Orion. He was a good guy Dave, and when he left only his belt was left behind. Where he went, possibly without pants, we’ll never know, but he sure left a great belt. Leather, size 34, sturdy buckle. Wherever you are and wherever you wander beltless Dave Orion, we hope you’re looking up at the same stars in the sky wondering about that great belt of yours.
13. A Panda-Dog
Description: Don’t be fooled. This isn’t a dog in disguise, it’s an actual Panda Dog! Get the chance to take home your very own and brag to all your friends! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity as the Panda Dog is a very rare cross-bred species monitored by animal protection agencies. There are only about 50 of these left in the world!
Panda dogs are known for their cute and cuddly ways. They may be larger than the average dog, but their bark is bigger than their bite. Panda Dogs are truly a man’s best friend!
Description: After last year’s trip deep into the NBA playoffs, Russell Westbrook’s fashion sense turned buzzworthy, culminating in this pretty awesome commercial for NBA on ESPN making light fun of the fact that the glasses he sometimes wears to post-game interviews are purely ornamental:
But we got a hold of Russell’s optometrist to confirm that —yes, indeed— his optometrist doesn’t exist because he doesn’t need glasses because his eyes work with the same terrifying, hawk-like intensity that the rest of his body does. So here’s an auction for a pair of glasses that doesn’t actually exist. But that’s OK because Russell Westbrook does exist and his fashion sense is a marvel to behold.
Description: Why go underwater when there’s so much to see on the surface! But the surface is where the germs are, so you’d better snag one of these nifty Self-Contained Above-Water Breathing Apparatuses (apparati?)! Flaming Lips singer and notable Oklahoman Wayne Coyne is an outspoken proponent of the Self-Contained Above-Water Breathing Apparatus and agrees with us that you should have one too!
Oooh, you know what? Maybe we should stick with the underwater breathing apparatus? We just realized that SCABA is a much less appealing acronym than SCUBA. Somebody get QuiBids’ merchandising team on the line…
Description: Superpowers! Totally awesome, right? Absolutely. On the other hand, what’s not so awesome is contracting a superpower, as comic books have shown that that is an often debilitatingly painful process. Radioactive spiderbites, gamma bomb blast exposure, cosmic radiation, losing your parents to a common street mugger: all agreeably terrible. So why subject yourself to that when you can just win this Superpower You Choose It and pick between teleportation, enhanced musculo-skeletal structure, and the ability to fly yourself?
Description: Do you hate making decisions? Forget using rock, paper, scissors – that’s muggle rubbish. Have you ever seen Harry Potter flipping a coin to determine where he’ll have lunch at Diagon Alley? No! He uses magic, and now you can too with this special Goblet of Fire! When you get in a jam simply write your potential options on shreds of parchment, throw them in the goblet of fire, hear the flames go WOOSH, and then wait for your question be answered by magic!
18. The Color Blue
Description: Indulge us in this abstract conceptual auction for a moment, if you will. Imagine what-all you could lay claim to with the licensed rights to any and everything blue. It would render our auction for the Atlantic Ocean completely irrelevant, now that we think about it. What else could you own? Hmmm, there’s the Blue Man Group, Blue Cross Blue Shield (of which you’ll surely assume double ownership), half of QuiBids (on account of our blue-and-orange logo), the Toronto Blue Jays, all other blue jays, and possibly even the very sky under which we stand. Pretty good deal, no?
Description: This will be an adventure of a lifetime! Where else could you bid on a trip to the center of the earth?! Should you win this auction, your adventure begins with repelling down a man-made tunnel to the earth’s center. From there, you’ll be led by the tour guide through all the various layers of the earth’s core. You may encounter oversized plants and mushrooms, experience hotter than normal temperatures and who knows what extinct animals you may encounter.
Description: Sure, topping Mt. Everest would be pretty cool but why go with any old Sherpa as your guide when you could saddle up a freakin’ Yeti? Different cultures call them different things —you hear “Abominable Snowman” and “Bigfoot” thrown around a lot— but is a Yeti by any other name less fearsome?
Just think how easy it’d be to get up to the top of the biggest mountain on the planet with your own personal Yeti leading the way? They’re big and furry and probably great for snuggling up to for warmth. They’re enormously strong so they can push pesky boulders out of the way of your path. They’re also terrifying to any antagonist —man or beast— that would dare cross your path. Just hop on its back and take in the sights as you piggyback your way to the tippy-top of Mt. Everest!
Description: In his playing days the big man’s quick feet were feared by defenders in the low post but now they inspire awe in whoever watches them glide. Back then he was busy shattering backboards and blocking shots but these days he’ll teach you how to Dougie. Shaq’s shimmies are All-Star-caliber and he’ll show them to you if you win this auction in a private dance lesson in his understandably enormous home. At 42, The Big Shaqtus doesn’t quite move like he did in his days playing for the Lakers, but we’re pretty confident that he’s got a thing or two to show you.
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