Quick! You’re pinned down inside a J.C. Penney’s while a horde of merciless, flesh-hungry undead is steadily cracking its way through the department store’s glass partitions. Your group escaped through the air duct, but it broke while you were climbing toward the roof, sending you tumbling down into the lobby just moments before the first round of zombies stumble in. What do you do?
At this point, we can only hope that you won this auction, lest you say sayonara to your favorite organs. Those mean suckers are gonna yank ‘em out one by one if you don’t have our crossbow, shovel, or chainsaws on hand , and you’ve got absolutely zero chance at long-term survival if there’s no rope to lasso yourself a hasty rooftop exit.
We suppose winning this auction’s something like buying a totally awesome insurance plan for when the dead get hungry, because if there’s anything that pop culture’s taught us recently, it’s that there’s no escaping them.
So what all’s included in this here Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit? Just everything you’d need to hunker down in a do-it-yourself fortified house-bunker and hold out for help to come.
Yeah, they’re noisy. But when it comes to neutralizing hostile undead, they’re about as effective a handheld weapon as they come. If you’re strong enough to double-wield, you might as well run head-on into a crowd of walkers and start gettin’ messy.
Case of Twinkies
Because what’s more useful in the end of days than food that never goes bad?
While traditionally used to signal that you’re in distress, is there ever a time in a zombie apocalypse when you won’t be? We recommend you use them as a distraction,
Once-important skills like blogging, tweeting, and bidding in auctions will be rendered completely useless by a zombie apocalypse, so you’ll have to start, y’know, actually doing things with your hands for once. This 108-piece toolkit has what you need to board up windows, reinforce fences, construct elaborate defense mechanisms, and even rig up a gun turret on top of that RV you borrowed from your retired neighbors who were among the first to go. Also, as a worst case scenario, it’s heavy and has a pretty durable handle, so you can swing it at zombie that’s broken into close quarters.
Woody Harrelson’s banjo, gator skin jacket, and sweet-action cowboy hat
A gigantic case full of guns
It’s like a chainsaw you don’t have to fill with gas, a gun you don’t have to reload, and it’s quiet as a crossbow. The ideal tool for zombie dismemberment.
Because where are you gonna stash all this stuff, anyway? Plus, this mini-house on wheels keeps you mobile, and everybody knows you can’t just stay in one place when the zombies climb up out of the grave.